5 Tips To Help You In The Corporate World (Other Than Knowing What The Fuck You’re Talking About)

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1. Run before work and let people know it (or lie about it):

Hinting that you ran in the morning just says “Yeah, going to work is peanuts for me. I need to be up earlier, grinding harder than all of you”. Don’t bring it up just to bring it up. Mention something you saw on your run, or if someone mentions a news story say that you heard about it when you were listening to a news podcast on your run. Always refer to it as “my run” showing that you do it all the time. The run didn’t just take you for a ride and beat you up, you fucking owned the run and made it your bitch, so don’t even say you’re tired. If you say, “When I went on a run this morning…” instead of “On my run…” people think you’re just trying to show off.

2. Use Tons of Expressions and Figures of Speech:

You almost can’t do this enough. Literally today I heard someone talk about “the camel getting his nose under the tent” (meaning once one thing happens, the rest follows [the camel’s body follows]). Hadn’t heard that one before, but I kind of understood it in context. Doesn’t that just confuse people? God damn right it does, and that’s the whole point. You know more than them. Just don’t struggle through the words or ask people if it’s the right expression (although sometimes you can joke about using these kinds of expressions). Pretend like they should all know what the hell you are talking about.

3. Block Out Time For Your Morning Shit:

Get into the office, let your corporate laptop take its sweet time to boot up while you get a coffee, then drink your coffee while scanning email to make sure there is nothing urgent. When your done with this, and you’ve responded to a couple of emails or chatted with a coworker, the caffeine hits and it’s time. Your shit is your “me time”. Take as much time as you need and read something, it’s my favorite part of the day. Think people will know you’re taking a shit if you’re gone for 20 minutes? Even better. “This dude has such powerful shits that he needs a full 20 minutes day-in-day-out. Woah”.

4. Schedule A Meeting With Your Boss’s Boss:

I actually heard about some kid doing this. He started, and on day one, he meets the CEO and says he has some suggestions on how the business can keep up with the times and cater to millenials. They now have a meeting on the calendar every week to talk about this shit. True story. Any old dusty company will suck someone’s dick for more information about millenials. The baby boombers just have no idea how the fuck we think.

5. Make Emails Wait, Not Tasks

This is one that I actually started doing, so you’ll have to let me know if it works for you. If someone asks for you to update a spreadsheet with some notes they sent you, for example, you do it quickly, then respond saying it’s done. If you respond first, that’s valuable time you could be using to finish the task, and now that you responded, they are still waiting for you. Make it seem like you are so fucking good that you had it done before they even asked for it. You had that shit done last week. This requires judgement of course. If you have something more pressing, and won’t be able to get the task done for a bit, respond and let them know that (maybe even add a firm time when you’ll have it done by and then do that to look like a man of your word but be careful with that). If it’s a chat instead of an email, you should probably give an immediate response unless you can be lightning quick. Then work with them through the problem on chat, so that they know you are actively doing the task, just for them (making them feel like the priority).

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