Alternatives to the Election Process

I think we can all agree this election cycle has been an absolute joke. Starting with Superdelegates robbing voters, Lyin’ Ted and his shenanigans,



and a momma’s boy and a cuckhold,


it’s been a fun ride with some fun people.  At the same time though you kind of feel like you’re getting screwed. Like maaaybe this isn’t the best idea, akin to Vegas, or trying a weird drug for the first time.

Clearly something is not right in our  political system, and I think the best way to fix it is to tear it down and build it back up again the old fashioned way. The modern day United States election process is antiquated, so here are a few alternative suggestions:


The “Winner Take All”

With this approach, there would no candidates, no campaigns, no primaries or parties. All that exists in the voting booth is a single piece of paper with the question, “who do you want to be president?”  Whoever’s name gets the most tallies wins. If we’re looking at who has the most Twitter followers, this one might look like it’ll backfire with Perry, Bieber, Swift at 1, 2, 3. Good thing millennials don’t vote. I’m pulling for Mickey Mouse.


The “Name out of the Hat”

Pretty self explanatory here. Similar to the first concept in structure except that it’s a random draw out of all Americans. Just picturing it now, the tv event of the half decade, cameras rushing to Arthur O’Doul’s house in Pheonix, Arizon. “Ladies and Gentlemen, THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!” And there’s Arthur with a glued smile just nervously laughing with a billion reporters in his face. Dude is shell-shocked.

I really like this one because it would weed out all the psychos who actually wanna be president. You gotta be pretty cocky to think you are the best person to lead the most power country on Earth. I may have gotten a D- in ENGL289i (Acting Human: Shakespeare and the Drama of Identity), but I believe that’s a tragic flaw. Good to have a normal Joe in the Whitehouse.


The “Holy Trinity”


The American government balances its power through its three branches, something we probably need to keep. In this case, the presidency is split three ways, between a businessman, an athlete, and a celebrity. And the combinations are plenty. Cuban/Duncan/Damon 2020 sounds like a crew I’d trust my life with. Maybe throw Ellen Degeneres or Rihanna. Or not. Or switch out the celebrity with a military guy or a scientist. Either way, diverse backgrounds are key in any leadership group so I’d be willing to give this one a shot.


The “Cage Match”

Long gone are the days when the leader of the pack was also the scariest motherfucker around. Today’s society could use a nice rude awakening to a style of governance in which the president acquires his position by killing the guy before him. The cagematch offers a solution. A modern day gladiator fight, I’m picturing 50 to 100 men or women, selected by a committee, fighting for their lives in AT&T Stadium with a maze inside. Highlight of the show is when the president is released into the battlefield like halfway through the fight. The prezidunt is out! And the crowd goes wild.

No matter who wins I think we get a good leader out of this one. Very interested to see if it’d be an MMA fighter or a Navy Seal, or maybe a sleeper like an old, weathered karate master. Bottom line can’t go wrong with a warrior at the helm.


I would gladly take any of these over our current election process. With its 227th birthday this year, the Constitution is old as shit, so maybe it’s time to pull the plug. It would at least make for some great television.


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