The Definitive Best/Worst Types of Appointments




The dentist is the fucking worst.  Easy pick here.  You have to show up at ridiculous hours.  Lady at the front desk is always way too happy.  Once you’re done waiting for what feels like forever, you finally make it to the chair.  This is where it becomes all down hill. Let’s face it, no chance you’re doing 25% of what you’re supposed to do with your teeth.  “Have you been flossing since the last time we’ve seen you?”.  Hey lady how about you check the absolute bloodbath that’s going on in my mouth and get back to me on that.  Dentists just make you feel like such a gross degenerate.  By the way, anyone who says they enjoy the dentist is a certified psychopath.  Yeah, I really like getting my tooth enamel ripped apart by some self proclaimed “doctor” just so I can at least convince myself I’m keeping up with modern medicine.

Auto Body Shop

This place is as emasculating as it gets.  Your car starts leaking and screeching all over the place and it finally gets to the point that you need to bring it in to the pros.  These guys live for making you feel like such a pussy.  It always turns out to be one of those things your old man could fix with a rubber band and a paper clip.  I couldn’t change my oil if you had a gun to my head.  If that makes me a little bitch, then so be it.  And these greasy car guys will surely let you know.

Tech Support/Apple Store

tech guyThis is my personal hell. Tech guys can kick rocks.  I’m going to say this with all due respect, but all tech guys are dumb as shit.  They just memorize a couple lines and courses of action and spit them at you.  “Oh your screen stopped working, let’s try restarting it.  Ok that doesn’t seem to work.  Can I offer you an Android smartphone for $299 with a 2 year contract?”  Listen buddy, I know there’s a way someone can fix this.  I’m stuck here.  Neither of us know shit about technology, but stop trying to sell me on the fact that you became a tech wizard the second you got a job checking people into the Apple store on your little iPad in your fucking flip flops.




I’ve only been fitted for a suit once in my life, but it was sensational.  It feels like you’re getting ready to get drafted into the NBA and you’re starting to pre-spend that rookie contract, but in actuality its just your dad sending you to college with a suit that makes you at least slightly presentable.  Having your exact measurements taken automatically makes you feel like a king.  Having a suit tailored to your physique is simply high-class.

Annual Physical (pre-puberty) 

Really need to hang in there on this one.  We’re talking 8-12 years old.  Pretty much the last time everything is still working up to factory standards in the body department.  No real wear and tear at this point.  And puberty just throws everything for a loop so we can forget that era.  Anyway these doctor’s appointments were like dog shows and you were a well-manicured adolescent doberman.  Touching your toes and standing on one leg till the cows come home.  Perfect hearing, vision, and the works.  “Have you been eating your vegetables?”. You fucking betcha doc I’m 105 pounds of untapped energy. Once things start going to shit these check ups blow.

PS Forgot about them looking at your dick.  That part isn’t that much fun.

Eye Doctor

eye doctor

My personal favorite.  The eye doctor is basically a game.  They see how many lines you can snipe on the letter board.  My eyes have been dog shit since I was in 5th grade so these appointments became annual challenges. That elusive 4th line that just sneaks out of focus.  Then they give you the correction and its game over.  You want the 5th row? How about I rattle off the bottom one without skipping a beat.  Don’t sleep on the eye doctors.