Star Player Forced into Early Retirement after Dangerous TNF Hit

That headline right there is what people on the internet like to call a classic example of clickbait…gotcha

So no, a star player did not sustain a career ending hit during last weeks Thursday night football game; but is that what it’s going to take to get rid of these disgraceful games? I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, If commissioner Goodell or the NFL had one ounce of respect for their players, they would have removed Thursday night games from the schedule a long time ago.

If you’ve tuned in to any number of Thursday Night Football games this season you already know that the product on the field stinks and the overall entertainment value of the games are at an all time low. So why has Rodger Goodell kept the games around? The answer is simple. Money. More games equals more revenue coming in for the owners and the league, and as long as the league and it’s owners are making money, they will continue to sign his 34 Million dollar/year pay check despite the consequences.

Listen, I’m all for pushing the envelope and trying to make as much as you can for as long as you can, but what I cannot understand is how the NFL and commissioner Goodell can be this hypocritical. They claim to have the players best interest in mind, in addition to making statement after statement on ways they are trying to improve safety in the league. However, this has turned out to be complete nonsense, as the number of concussions in the league rises every year, and the average career of an NFL player is at a mere 3.5 years… an all time low.

In fact, this issue has gotten so bad, Seahawks cornerback Richard Sherman, a highly respected player in the league and aspiring future leader of the NFLPA had these comments after last weeks game. “No one, other than the people who run the NFL and TV networks for fun and profit, seems to like the Thursday night games that much.” Sherman goes on to say, “It’s just an absolute poopfest. It’s terrible. We played Sunday, got home about 1 o’clock in the morning on Monday, and then you’ve got to play again. Congratulations NFL, you did it again. But they have been doing it all season, so I guess we are the last ones to get the middle finger.’’

Clearly Sherman is not alone when it comes to his beef with the league and the Thursday night games, and clearly big things will need to happen in order to bring justice to the NFL and commissioner Goodell. However, it all starts with you, the paying fans of the NFL. If you love watching your team every Sunday, and want to continue watching those same players in the upcoming years, at this current rate due to the Thursday games, commissioner Goodell and the NFL are jeopardizing that for you. If you truly care about your team and the well being of the players, I strongly urge you to boycott the Thursday Night games. Just don’t watch; because at the end of the day all the NFL sees is dollar signs, and until those signs start to diminish, no significant changes will be made.

Edward Snowden Pulls The Most Butt-Hurt Move Ever

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Quick Recap: Edward Snowden was a Subcontractor for the National Security Association back in 2013, before anyone knew he was a little bitch and a whistle-blower. He finds out that the NSA is spying on the American people (no shit) and then flies to Hong Kong to release thousands of NSA documents revealing this. Then he went to Russia and is currently hiding out there.

I get it, no one wants Big Brother watching over their shoulder, but we all kind of accept that it’s necessary for the government to do some sort of surveillance (If someone is planning on killing people and researching it on Google, I’m okay with Uncle Sam picking up on this).

But Snowden handled this like such a pussy. If you really have a problem with it, then escalate it to the right people. Get in front of Obama and say “I don’t like this” and if that doesn’t work, then do what he did. But he just instantly peaces out. Also, before he left, he contacted a documentary filmmaker to record his discoveries. So this dude is gonna rat on his government, fine, but then he is trying to make himself famous? If he was that concerned about stopping the surveillance, wouldn’t he have released it right away, instead of wasting time and people’s privacy by making a movie about himself.

That’s only the start. Now he’s working with an MIT lab researcher to make a device that can protect journalists’ smartphones from the government. Fuck. This. Guy. So butt-hurt about his charges from the Department of Justice (he violated the Espionage Act of 1917) that he needs to make extra-fucking-sure that the government stops looking at people’s shit. Well guess what Snowden, you think you are magically going to make this technology available to only journalists? No, the wrong people are going to start using it, and you are going to do more harm than good.

We got his point, so we don’t need Snowden still trying to whore for attention. Is the government watching my phone? I don’t know, probably, but guess how much it affects me if they do? Zero. Because I’m not trying to kill people. Also now that he is in Russia, you think the Russian’s aren’t spying on his shit? So that means they can get a hold of this technology that he is helping to create, which means we won’t be able to spy on the Russians. Spying on the Russians is an American pastime greater than baseball, binge-watching TV, and hell, even obesity. So don’t take that away from me Snowden you fuck.

Republican National Convention Actually Goes Fine

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Trump came on for his acceptance speech as the GOP presidential nominee tonight. If you were expecting the spectacle of the summer, you didn’t get it. Here’s why: Trump is actually now the GOP nominee, meaning he has a shot to win the fucking thing. Is he going to win it being a ridiculous clown? No, he needs to appeal to the masses now, so he toned it down while still giving vague call-outs to his more extreme supporters (ie. saying we don’t need to be PC and we have too many immigrants etc.).

However, there were 3 notable things that stuck out in my mind:

  1. U.S.A. Chant – Trump came out with this. Perfect move. If you don’t join in, you are probably getting shot at the Republican National Convention where people can carry guns no problem. Adamant fans or not, people are going to join in and make his walk-out huge.
  2. Feeling the Bern: Trump mentions that Hilary is a puppet of Wall Street, and says that Bernie never had a chance to win, because he wasn’t controlled by corporate money. He says that Bernie supporters are going to join his campaign because of this because they understand the corruption in politics. Again, perfect move. Tell the people what is going to happen, don’t give them a chance. Make Democrats can you Mr. Steal-your-voters.
  3. And finally, he takes a pause to say how happy he is to hear that people are supporting LGBTQ protection at a Republican event. Again just fishing for that lonesome left-wing vote vote.

The guy knows what he is doing folks. This blog does not take any stance on the race, so don’t take anything I say as biased. Just giving my takes on the rhetoric, not the candidate.

Does this make you hate Trump or Hilary even more? See Brooks’ blog about what you’re alternative choices are this November. Link to that here.

 

Alternatives to the Election Process

I think we can all agree this election cycle has been an absolute joke. Starting with Superdelegates robbing voters, Lyin’ Ted and his shenanigans,

 

 

and a momma’s boy and a cuckhold,

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it’s been a fun ride with some fun people.  At the same time though you kind of feel like you’re getting screwed. Like maaaybe this isn’t the best idea, akin to Vegas, or trying a weird drug for the first time.

Clearly something is not right in our  political system, and I think the best way to fix it is to tear it down and build it back up again the old fashioned way. The modern day United States election process is antiquated, so here are a few alternative suggestions:

 

The “Winner Take All”

With this approach, there would no candidates, no campaigns, no primaries or parties. All that exists in the voting booth is a single piece of paper with the question, “who do you want to be president?”  Whoever’s name gets the most tallies wins. If we’re looking at who has the most Twitter followers, this one might look like it’ll backfire with Perry, Bieber, Swift at 1, 2, 3. Good thing millennials don’t vote. I’m pulling for Mickey Mouse.

 

The “Name out of the Hat”

Pretty self explanatory here. Similar to the first concept in structure except that it’s a random draw out of all Americans. Just picturing it now, the tv event of the half decade, cameras rushing to Arthur O’Doul’s house in Pheonix, Arizon. “Ladies and Gentlemen, THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!” And there’s Arthur with a glued smile just nervously laughing with a billion reporters in his face. Dude is shell-shocked.

I really like this one because it would weed out all the psychos who actually wanna be president. You gotta be pretty cocky to think you are the best person to lead the most power country on Earth. I may have gotten a D- in ENGL289i (Acting Human: Shakespeare and the Drama of Identity), but I believe that’s a tragic flaw. Good to have a normal Joe in the Whitehouse.

 

The “Holy Trinity”

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The American government balances its power through its three branches, something we probably need to keep. In this case, the presidency is split three ways, between a businessman, an athlete, and a celebrity. And the combinations are plenty. Cuban/Duncan/Damon 2020 sounds like a crew I’d trust my life with. Maybe throw Ellen Degeneres or Rihanna. Or not. Or switch out the celebrity with a military guy or a scientist. Either way, diverse backgrounds are key in any leadership group so I’d be willing to give this one a shot.

 

The “Cage Match”

Long gone are the days when the leader of the pack was also the scariest motherfucker around. Today’s society could use a nice rude awakening to a style of governance in which the president acquires his position by killing the guy before him. The cagematch offers a solution. A modern day gladiator fight, I’m picturing 50 to 100 men or women, selected by a committee, fighting for their lives in AT&T Stadium with a maze inside. Highlight of the show is when the president is released into the battlefield like halfway through the fight. The prezidunt is out! And the crowd goes wild.

No matter who wins I think we get a good leader out of this one. Very interested to see if it’d be an MMA fighter or a Navy Seal, or maybe a sleeper like an old, weathered karate master. Bottom line can’t go wrong with a warrior at the helm.

 

I would gladly take any of these over our current election process. With its 227th birthday this year, the Constitution is old as shit, so maybe it’s time to pull the plug. It would at least make for some great television.

Today in Equality, “NBA stars should pay WNBA Players Fines”

Another great day for the all women panel of ESPN First Take.  The topic at hand was WNBA players getting fined for wearing black in support of the Black Lives Matter Movement as well as the Dallas Police Officers gunned down.  The players were fined $5000 dollars each for the act.

I really love that if I’m watching ESPN but want to be watching “The View” I don’t even need to reach for my clicker anymore, I can just wait for “First Take”.  ESPN is absolutely losing it, but that is not the point of this blog.

So the woman on the panel is upset that the WNBA fined these players for breaking the rules.  Yes it was for a good cause, but the rules are the rules, if you want to break the rules and pay the fine because you feel strongly about this, I commend you for it.  However when you say its not fair to be fined $5000 for the average $72000 salary thats where you lose me.

You knew the consequences and you broke the rules anyways.  Women will have to deal with consequences of their actions on the way to equality.  For example DeAngelo Williams pays fines every October for wearing pink in support of breast cancer awareness.  He pays the fines he’s not looking for a breast cancer foundation to pick up the tab for him.  He knows the consequences of his actions and deals with them.

But the women of First Take want NBA players to show solidarity with the WNBA by paying their fines because they can’t afford them.  That’s fine, just don’t ask for your higher wages while you ask for men to keep buying you out of the consequences of your actions.  We have enough of your shit to pay for already.

The Definitive Top 10 Laziest Blog/Article/Segment Formats

Facebook is littered wit all of these.  The click bait articles that basic bitches and small minded people cant resist to click, read and share with the “OMG, this is so us @Becky” caption.  So I’m breaking down all the classic click bait low brow article styles.

10) The Top 10

Just so unoriginal, boring and repetitive.  Any idiot can make a top 10 about anything.

9) The Mt. Rushmore

Essentially the exact same as the top ten, only you couldn’t think of 10 items to put in your list, so you thought you were clever to cap the list at 4 and compare your list to a rock in North Dakota.

8) The Not Top 10 or 10 Worst ____

The red headed step brother to the top 10.  Equally unoriginal, but hey cookie cutter segments get eyeballs so why the fuck not?

7) The “You won’t Believe what Happened Next” Blog

Just couldn’t come up with a creative title so you have to get everyone’s hopes up that something unique and crazy is about to happen next. “Lion Tamer plays with Lions, but you won’t Believe what Happens Next…”  Yeah I can, the ass hole gets mauled or the lion gets shot.

6) (Some random number) Ways to do ______

People really trying to reinvent the wheel with a list of 7 ways to get a satin out of your shirt with everyday items around the house.  These ones actually at least have potential but they always just leave you unsatisfied like a trip to the local Quiznos.

5) The “70% of people failed this Quiz”

Yeah those are just lies.  Those quizzes also suck a little extra by making you click next 3 times for each question of a 10 question quiz.  You aren’t fooling me magiquiz fuck off.

4) Anything Comparing People or Routine Events to a Cartoon

“28 Times Spongebob Squarespants Perfectly Summed up Your Morning Struggle Getting out of the Shower.”  I just fucking hate these, they’re so fucking dumb it drives me insane.

3) The “Which Character are You Quiz”

Are 12 multiple choice questions are gonna really determine that I am more like a pikachu than any other pokemon?  Well I guess I’m a pikachu then.

2) The “This ______ is my Spirit Animal”

Hey Tiffany just cause your a lazy slob who can’t stop sharing shit on Facebook between spoonfuls of Ben and Jerry’s, doesn’t mean your a sleeping puppy.

1) The Top 10

Just so unoriginal, boring and repetitive.  Any idiot can make a top 10 about anything.

 

 

Fuck You Buzzfeed

 

Is RG3 a top QB?

So this morning I sat down to eat some breakfast and watch some T.V. and the first thing I see is this list: Made by former Redskins wideout Santana Moss ranking the top QB’s he played with during his 10 seasons with the skins.

1. Mark Brunell

2. Donovan McNabb

3. Rex Grossman

4. Jason Campbell

5. Robert Griffin III

Wow. Tough day to be RG3. You know he hears all this noise too, and because he was never beat up in school he doesn’t know how to handle any adversity. Keep an eye out on Instagram or twitter for his well thought out and genuine response. Seriously though, I think this is the first time Rex Grossman and Jason Campbell have ever been on a QB list for something positive. However to be fair, RG3 should have been at least 3rd here, seeing Grossman threw 23 TD’s & 24 INT’s while going 4-13 in his two seasons and Campbell not doing much better in his four. Is this really what we need to be talking about though? Just another slow day for ESPN and First Take right pudge19?

Anyways… this got me thinking about the upcoming NFL season and all the potentially awful exciting new quarterbacks trying to establish winning for their respective teams. Most notable would include RG3 (Browns) trying to prove he can still play and isn’t made of glass, Brock Osweiler (Texans) who keep in mind only has Six career starts,  Mark Sanchez (Broncos) who is a joke but should be able to win some games with that All-Time defense behind him, and then Sam Bradford and Carson Wentz (Eagles) who will probably each get their chance to play and Im predicting will be very underwhelming. But since we’re still about a week away from the official start of training camp Im going to start out with my top 10.

#1 Tom Brady

                             

#2 Aaron Rodgers

                                      

#3 Andrew Luck

                        

#4 Cam Newton

                           

#5 Ben Roethlisberger

      

#6 Russell Wilson

#7 Drew Brees

#8 Philip Rivers

#9 Carson Palmer

#10 Andy Dalton

 

 

Side-note: How crazy is it that this bum could be making millions of dollars a year for simply giving a fuck and being a below average quarterback in the NFL. Figure it out Johnny.

 

5 Tips To Help You In The Corporate World (Other Than Knowing What The Fuck You’re Talking About)

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1. Run before work and let people know it (or lie about it):

Hinting that you ran in the morning just says “Yeah, going to work is peanuts for me. I need to be up earlier, grinding harder than all of you”. Don’t bring it up just to bring it up. Mention something you saw on your run, or if someone mentions a news story say that you heard about it when you were listening to a news podcast on your run. Always refer to it as “my run” showing that you do it all the time. The run didn’t just take you for a ride and beat you up, you fucking owned the run and made it your bitch, so don’t even say you’re tired. If you say, “When I went on a run this morning…” instead of “On my run…” people think you’re just trying to show off.

2. Use Tons of Expressions and Figures of Speech:

You almost can’t do this enough. Literally today I heard someone talk about “the camel getting his nose under the tent” (meaning once one thing happens, the rest follows [the camel’s body follows]). Hadn’t heard that one before, but I kind of understood it in context. Doesn’t that just confuse people? God damn right it does, and that’s the whole point. You know more than them. Just don’t struggle through the words or ask people if it’s the right expression (although sometimes you can joke about using these kinds of expressions). Pretend like they should all know what the hell you are talking about.

3. Block Out Time For Your Morning Shit:

Get into the office, let your corporate laptop take its sweet time to boot up while you get a coffee, then drink your coffee while scanning email to make sure there is nothing urgent. When your done with this, and you’ve responded to a couple of emails or chatted with a coworker, the caffeine hits and it’s time. Your shit is your “me time”. Take as much time as you need and read something, it’s my favorite part of the day. Think people will know you’re taking a shit if you’re gone for 20 minutes? Even better. “This dude has such powerful shits that he needs a full 20 minutes day-in-day-out. Woah”.

4. Schedule A Meeting With Your Boss’s Boss:

I actually heard about some kid doing this. He started, and on day one, he meets the CEO and says he has some suggestions on how the business can keep up with the times and cater to millenials. They now have a meeting on the calendar every week to talk about this shit. True story. Any old dusty company will suck someone’s dick for more information about millenials. The baby boombers just have no idea how the fuck we think.

5. Make Emails Wait, Not Tasks

This is one that I actually started doing, so you’ll have to let me know if it works for you. If someone asks for you to update a spreadsheet with some notes they sent you, for example, you do it quickly, then respond saying it’s done. If you respond first, that’s valuable time you could be using to finish the task, and now that you responded, they are still waiting for you. Make it seem like you are so fucking good that you had it done before they even asked for it. You had that shit done last week. This requires judgement of course. If you have something more pressing, and won’t be able to get the task done for a bit, respond and let them know that (maybe even add a firm time when you’ll have it done by and then do that to look like a man of your word but be careful with that). If it’s a chat instead of an email, you should probably give an immediate response unless you can be lightning quick. Then work with them through the problem on chat, so that they know you are actively doing the task, just for them (making them feel like the priority).

The Definitive Best/Worst Types of Appointments

Worst

Dentist

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The dentist is the fucking worst.  Easy pick here.  You have to show up at ridiculous hours.  Lady at the front desk is always way too happy.  Once you’re done waiting for what feels like forever, you finally make it to the chair.  This is where it becomes all down hill. Let’s face it, no chance you’re doing 25% of what you’re supposed to do with your teeth.  “Have you been flossing since the last time we’ve seen you?”.  Hey lady how about you check the absolute bloodbath that’s going on in my mouth and get back to me on that.  Dentists just make you feel like such a gross degenerate.  By the way, anyone who says they enjoy the dentist is a certified psychopath.  Yeah, I really like getting my tooth enamel ripped apart by some self proclaimed “doctor” just so I can at least convince myself I’m keeping up with modern medicine.

Auto Body Shop

This place is as emasculating as it gets.  Your car starts leaking and screeching all over the place and it finally gets to the point that you need to bring it in to the pros.  These guys live for making you feel like such a pussy.  It always turns out to be one of those things your old man could fix with a rubber band and a paper clip.  I couldn’t change my oil if you had a gun to my head.  If that makes me a little bitch, then so be it.  And these greasy car guys will surely let you know.

Tech Support/Apple Store

tech guyThis is my personal hell. Tech guys can kick rocks.  I’m going to say this with all due respect, but all tech guys are dumb as shit.  They just memorize a couple lines and courses of action and spit them at you.  “Oh your screen stopped working, let’s try restarting it.  Ok that doesn’t seem to work.  Can I offer you an Android smartphone for $299 with a 2 year contract?”  Listen buddy, I know there’s a way someone can fix this.  I’m stuck here.  Neither of us know shit about technology, but stop trying to sell me on the fact that you became a tech wizard the second you got a job checking people into the Apple store on your little iPad in your fucking flip flops.

Best

Tailor

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I’ve only been fitted for a suit once in my life, but it was sensational.  It feels like you’re getting ready to get drafted into the NBA and you’re starting to pre-spend that rookie contract, but in actuality its just your dad sending you to college with a suit that makes you at least slightly presentable.  Having your exact measurements taken automatically makes you feel like a king.  Having a suit tailored to your physique is simply high-class.

Annual Physical (pre-puberty) 

Really need to hang in there on this one.  We’re talking 8-12 years old.  Pretty much the last time everything is still working up to factory standards in the body department.  No real wear and tear at this point.  And puberty just throws everything for a loop so we can forget that era.  Anyway these doctor’s appointments were like dog shows and you were a well-manicured adolescent doberman.  Touching your toes and standing on one leg till the cows come home.  Perfect hearing, vision, and the works.  “Have you been eating your vegetables?”. You fucking betcha doc I’m 105 pounds of untapped energy. Once things start going to shit these check ups blow.

PS Forgot about them looking at your dick.  That part isn’t that much fun.

Eye Doctor

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My personal favorite.  The eye doctor is basically a game.  They see how many lines you can snipe on the letter board.  My eyes have been dog shit since I was in 5th grade so these appointments became annual challenges. That elusive 4th line that just sneaks out of focus.  Then they give you the correction and its game over.  You want the 5th row? How about I rattle off the bottom one without skipping a beat.  Don’t sleep on the eye doctors.

Russia Gives No Fucks: One More Reason Why We All Know This Statement To Be True

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Yesterday, the World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) released a report by Dr. Richard McLaren who investigated claims made by Grigory Rodchenkov, the former head of Russia’s National Anti-Doping Laboratory, that he doped many athletes at the Sochi games in 2014. Rodchenkov allegedly said that this was part of an elaborate scheme by the Russian government to use their host status to avoid drug testing during the games.

Now, the International Olympic Committee is deciding if they should ban all Russian athletes planning to participate in the Rio olympics this summer. The IOC is already banning the Russian sports minister who said there were “no state doping schemes in Russia”.

Jeezus Russia. Cheating and then blatantly lying about it. Every Russian source you hear makes it sound like the world is framing them. No, we just know that it’s a little too convenient that you won the medal count when you hosted the whole event.

Then Putin comes out and says that this was a political decision that was driven by the United States. But then he said Russia would ban those in the report and then complete their own investigation. Of-fucking-course. He knows that McLaren’s report only scratched the surface, so he’ll cut his losses and then do his own “investigation” (probably cutting out the tongue of the guy that squealed). Putin is the classic villain you can’t exactly root for, but you respect his balls. This is just what he does. Throwback to when he strolled into a Russian youth camp and tried to bend a frying pan in half after scaling a rock-climbing wall in khakis to show that he was still fit to be the Prime Minister in 2012. It doesn’t even matter if he bent the pan, the guy looks like a boss for trying. Power moves only.