The Definitive Top 10 Laziest Blog/Article/Segment Formats

Facebook is littered wit all of these.  The click bait articles that basic bitches and small minded people cant resist to click, read and share with the “OMG, this is so us @Becky” caption.  So I’m breaking down all the classic click bait low brow article styles.

10) The Top 10

Just so unoriginal, boring and repetitive.  Any idiot can make a top 10 about anything.

9) The Mt. Rushmore

Essentially the exact same as the top ten, only you couldn’t think of 10 items to put in your list, so you thought you were clever to cap the list at 4 and compare your list to a rock in North Dakota.

8) The Not Top 10 or 10 Worst ____

The red headed step brother to the top 10.  Equally unoriginal, but hey cookie cutter segments get eyeballs so why the fuck not?

7) The “You won’t Believe what Happened Next” Blog

Just couldn’t come up with a creative title so you have to get everyone’s hopes up that something unique and crazy is about to happen next. “Lion Tamer plays with Lions, but you won’t Believe what Happens Next…”  Yeah I can, the ass hole gets mauled or the lion gets shot.

6) (Some random number) Ways to do ______

People really trying to reinvent the wheel with a list of 7 ways to get a satin out of your shirt with everyday items around the house.  These ones actually at least have potential but they always just leave you unsatisfied like a trip to the local Quiznos.

5) The “70% of people failed this Quiz”

Yeah those are just lies.  Those quizzes also suck a little extra by making you click next 3 times for each question of a 10 question quiz.  You aren’t fooling me magiquiz fuck off.

4) Anything Comparing People or Routine Events to a Cartoon

“28 Times Spongebob Squarespants Perfectly Summed up Your Morning Struggle Getting out of the Shower.”  I just fucking hate these, they’re so fucking dumb it drives me insane.

3) The “Which Character are You Quiz”

Are 12 multiple choice questions are gonna really determine that I am more like a pikachu than any other pokemon?  Well I guess I’m a pikachu then.

2) The “This ______ is my Spirit Animal”

Hey Tiffany just cause your a lazy slob who can’t stop sharing shit on Facebook between spoonfuls of Ben and Jerry’s, doesn’t mean your a sleeping puppy.

1) The Top 10

Just so unoriginal, boring and repetitive.  Any idiot can make a top 10 about anything.

 

 

Fuck You Buzzfeed

 

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5 Tips To Help You In The Corporate World (Other Than Knowing What The Fuck You’re Talking About)

wolf_a

1. Run before work and let people know it (or lie about it):

Hinting that you ran in the morning just says “Yeah, going to work is peanuts for me. I need to be up earlier, grinding harder than all of you”. Don’t bring it up just to bring it up. Mention something you saw on your run, or if someone mentions a news story say that you heard about it when you were listening to a news podcast on your run. Always refer to it as “my run” showing that you do it all the time. The run didn’t just take you for a ride and beat you up, you fucking owned the run and made it your bitch, so don’t even say you’re tired. If you say, “When I went on a run this morning…” instead of “On my run…” people think you’re just trying to show off.

2. Use Tons of Expressions and Figures of Speech:

You almost can’t do this enough. Literally today I heard someone talk about “the camel getting his nose under the tent” (meaning once one thing happens, the rest follows [the camel’s body follows]). Hadn’t heard that one before, but I kind of understood it in context. Doesn’t that just confuse people? God damn right it does, and that’s the whole point. You know more than them. Just don’t struggle through the words or ask people if it’s the right expression (although sometimes you can joke about using these kinds of expressions). Pretend like they should all know what the hell you are talking about.

3. Block Out Time For Your Morning Shit:

Get into the office, let your corporate laptop take its sweet time to boot up while you get a coffee, then drink your coffee while scanning email to make sure there is nothing urgent. When your done with this, and you’ve responded to a couple of emails or chatted with a coworker, the caffeine hits and it’s time. Your shit is your “me time”. Take as much time as you need and read something, it’s my favorite part of the day. Think people will know you’re taking a shit if you’re gone for 20 minutes? Even better. “This dude has such powerful shits that he needs a full 20 minutes day-in-day-out. Woah”.

4. Schedule A Meeting With Your Boss’s Boss:

I actually heard about some kid doing this. He started, and on day one, he meets the CEO and says he has some suggestions on how the business can keep up with the times and cater to millenials. They now have a meeting on the calendar every week to talk about this shit. True story. Any old dusty company will suck someone’s dick for more information about millenials. The baby boombers just have no idea how the fuck we think.

5. Make Emails Wait, Not Tasks

This is one that I actually started doing, so you’ll have to let me know if it works for you. If someone asks for you to update a spreadsheet with some notes they sent you, for example, you do it quickly, then respond saying it’s done. If you respond first, that’s valuable time you could be using to finish the task, and now that you responded, they are still waiting for you. Make it seem like you are so fucking good that you had it done before they even asked for it. You had that shit done last week. This requires judgement of course. If you have something more pressing, and won’t be able to get the task done for a bit, respond and let them know that (maybe even add a firm time when you’ll have it done by and then do that to look like a man of your word but be careful with that). If it’s a chat instead of an email, you should probably give an immediate response unless you can be lightning quick. Then work with them through the problem on chat, so that they know you are actively doing the task, just for them (making them feel like the priority).

The Definitive Best/Worst Types of Appointments

Worst

Dentist

dentist

The dentist is the fucking worst.  Easy pick here.  You have to show up at ridiculous hours.  Lady at the front desk is always way too happy.  Once you’re done waiting for what feels like forever, you finally make it to the chair.  This is where it becomes all down hill. Let’s face it, no chance you’re doing 25% of what you’re supposed to do with your teeth.  “Have you been flossing since the last time we’ve seen you?”.  Hey lady how about you check the absolute bloodbath that’s going on in my mouth and get back to me on that.  Dentists just make you feel like such a gross degenerate.  By the way, anyone who says they enjoy the dentist is a certified psychopath.  Yeah, I really like getting my tooth enamel ripped apart by some self proclaimed “doctor” just so I can at least convince myself I’m keeping up with modern medicine.

Auto Body Shop

This place is as emasculating as it gets.  Your car starts leaking and screeching all over the place and it finally gets to the point that you need to bring it in to the pros.  These guys live for making you feel like such a pussy.  It always turns out to be one of those things your old man could fix with a rubber band and a paper clip.  I couldn’t change my oil if you had a gun to my head.  If that makes me a little bitch, then so be it.  And these greasy car guys will surely let you know.

Tech Support/Apple Store

tech guyThis is my personal hell. Tech guys can kick rocks.  I’m going to say this with all due respect, but all tech guys are dumb as shit.  They just memorize a couple lines and courses of action and spit them at you.  “Oh your screen stopped working, let’s try restarting it.  Ok that doesn’t seem to work.  Can I offer you an Android smartphone for $299 with a 2 year contract?”  Listen buddy, I know there’s a way someone can fix this.  I’m stuck here.  Neither of us know shit about technology, but stop trying to sell me on the fact that you became a tech wizard the second you got a job checking people into the Apple store on your little iPad in your fucking flip flops.

Best

Tailor

tailor

I’ve only been fitted for a suit once in my life, but it was sensational.  It feels like you’re getting ready to get drafted into the NBA and you’re starting to pre-spend that rookie contract, but in actuality its just your dad sending you to college with a suit that makes you at least slightly presentable.  Having your exact measurements taken automatically makes you feel like a king.  Having a suit tailored to your physique is simply high-class.

Annual Physical (pre-puberty) 

Really need to hang in there on this one.  We’re talking 8-12 years old.  Pretty much the last time everything is still working up to factory standards in the body department.  No real wear and tear at this point.  And puberty just throws everything for a loop so we can forget that era.  Anyway these doctor’s appointments were like dog shows and you were a well-manicured adolescent doberman.  Touching your toes and standing on one leg till the cows come home.  Perfect hearing, vision, and the works.  “Have you been eating your vegetables?”. You fucking betcha doc I’m 105 pounds of untapped energy. Once things start going to shit these check ups blow.

PS Forgot about them looking at your dick.  That part isn’t that much fun.

Eye Doctor

eye doctor

My personal favorite.  The eye doctor is basically a game.  They see how many lines you can snipe on the letter board.  My eyes have been dog shit since I was in 5th grade so these appointments became annual challenges. That elusive 4th line that just sneaks out of focus.  Then they give you the correction and its game over.  You want the 5th row? How about I rattle off the bottom one without skipping a beat.  Don’t sleep on the eye doctors.