Edward Snowden Pulls The Most Butt-Hurt Move Ever

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Quick Recap: Edward Snowden was a Subcontractor for the National Security Association back in 2013, before anyone knew he was a little bitch and a whistle-blower. He finds out that the NSA is spying on the American people (no shit) and then flies to Hong Kong to release thousands of NSA documents revealing this. Then he went to Russia and is currently hiding out there.

I get it, no one wants Big Brother watching over their shoulder, but we all kind of accept that it’s necessary for the government to do some sort of surveillance (If someone is planning on killing people and researching it on Google, I’m okay with Uncle Sam picking up on this).

But Snowden handled this like such a pussy. If you really have a problem with it, then escalate it to the right people. Get in front of Obama and say “I don’t like this” and if that doesn’t work, then do what he did. But he just instantly peaces out. Also, before he left, he contacted a documentary filmmaker to record his discoveries. So this dude is gonna rat on his government, fine, but then he is trying to make himself famous? If he was that concerned about stopping the surveillance, wouldn’t he have released it right away, instead of wasting time and people’s privacy by making a movie about himself.

That’s only the start. Now he’s working with an MIT lab researcher to make a device that can protect journalists’ smartphones from the government. Fuck. This. Guy. So butt-hurt about his charges from the Department of Justice (he violated the Espionage Act of 1917) that he needs to make extra-fucking-sure that the government stops looking at people’s shit. Well guess what Snowden, you think you are magically going to make this technology available to only journalists? No, the wrong people are going to start using it, and you are going to do more harm than good.

We got his point, so we don’t need Snowden still trying to whore for attention. Is the government watching my phone? I don’t know, probably, but guess how much it affects me if they do? Zero. Because I’m not trying to kill people. Also now that he is in Russia, you think the Russian’s aren’t spying on his shit? So that means they can get a hold of this technology that he is helping to create, which means we won’t be able to spy on the Russians. Spying on the Russians is an American pastime greater than baseball, binge-watching TV, and hell, even obesity. So don’t take that away from me Snowden you fuck.

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Republican National Convention Actually Goes Fine

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Trump came on for his acceptance speech as the GOP presidential nominee tonight. If you were expecting the spectacle of the summer, you didn’t get it. Here’s why: Trump is actually now the GOP nominee, meaning he has a shot to win the fucking thing. Is he going to win it being a ridiculous clown? No, he needs to appeal to the masses now, so he toned it down while still giving vague call-outs to his more extreme supporters (ie. saying we don’t need to be PC and we have too many immigrants etc.).

However, there were 3 notable things that stuck out in my mind:

  1. U.S.A. Chant – Trump came out with this. Perfect move. If you don’t join in, you are probably getting shot at the Republican National Convention where people can carry guns no problem. Adamant fans or not, people are going to join in and make his walk-out huge.
  2. Feeling the Bern: Trump mentions that Hilary is a puppet of Wall Street, and says that Bernie never had a chance to win, because he wasn’t controlled by corporate money. He says that Bernie supporters are going to join his campaign because of this because they understand the corruption in politics. Again, perfect move. Tell the people what is going to happen, don’t give them a chance. Make Democrats can you Mr. Steal-your-voters.
  3. And finally, he takes a pause to say how happy he is to hear that people are supporting LGBTQ protection at a Republican event. Again just fishing for that lonesome left-wing vote vote.

The guy knows what he is doing folks. This blog does not take any stance on the race, so don’t take anything I say as biased. Just giving my takes on the rhetoric, not the candidate.

Does this make you hate Trump or Hilary even more? See Brooks’ blog about what you’re alternative choices are this November. Link to that here.

 

Alternatives to the Election Process

I think we can all agree this election cycle has been an absolute joke. Starting with Superdelegates robbing voters, Lyin’ Ted and his shenanigans,

 

 

and a momma’s boy and a cuckhold,

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it’s been a fun ride with some fun people.  At the same time though you kind of feel like you’re getting screwed. Like maaaybe this isn’t the best idea, akin to Vegas, or trying a weird drug for the first time.

Clearly something is not right in our  political system, and I think the best way to fix it is to tear it down and build it back up again the old fashioned way. The modern day United States election process is antiquated, so here are a few alternative suggestions:

 

The “Winner Take All”

With this approach, there would no candidates, no campaigns, no primaries or parties. All that exists in the voting booth is a single piece of paper with the question, “who do you want to be president?”  Whoever’s name gets the most tallies wins. If we’re looking at who has the most Twitter followers, this one might look like it’ll backfire with Perry, Bieber, Swift at 1, 2, 3. Good thing millennials don’t vote. I’m pulling for Mickey Mouse.

 

The “Name out of the Hat”

Pretty self explanatory here. Similar to the first concept in structure except that it’s a random draw out of all Americans. Just picturing it now, the tv event of the half decade, cameras rushing to Arthur O’Doul’s house in Pheonix, Arizon. “Ladies and Gentlemen, THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!” And there’s Arthur with a glued smile just nervously laughing with a billion reporters in his face. Dude is shell-shocked.

I really like this one because it would weed out all the psychos who actually wanna be president. You gotta be pretty cocky to think you are the best person to lead the most power country on Earth. I may have gotten a D- in ENGL289i (Acting Human: Shakespeare and the Drama of Identity), but I believe that’s a tragic flaw. Good to have a normal Joe in the Whitehouse.

 

The “Holy Trinity”

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The American government balances its power through its three branches, something we probably need to keep. In this case, the presidency is split three ways, between a businessman, an athlete, and a celebrity. And the combinations are plenty. Cuban/Duncan/Damon 2020 sounds like a crew I’d trust my life with. Maybe throw Ellen Degeneres or Rihanna. Or not. Or switch out the celebrity with a military guy or a scientist. Either way, diverse backgrounds are key in any leadership group so I’d be willing to give this one a shot.

 

The “Cage Match”

Long gone are the days when the leader of the pack was also the scariest motherfucker around. Today’s society could use a nice rude awakening to a style of governance in which the president acquires his position by killing the guy before him. The cagematch offers a solution. A modern day gladiator fight, I’m picturing 50 to 100 men or women, selected by a committee, fighting for their lives in AT&T Stadium with a maze inside. Highlight of the show is when the president is released into the battlefield like halfway through the fight. The prezidunt is out! And the crowd goes wild.

No matter who wins I think we get a good leader out of this one. Very interested to see if it’d be an MMA fighter or a Navy Seal, or maybe a sleeper like an old, weathered karate master. Bottom line can’t go wrong with a warrior at the helm.

 

I would gladly take any of these over our current election process. With its 227th birthday this year, the Constitution is old as shit, so maybe it’s time to pull the plug. It would at least make for some great television.

Russia Gives No Fucks: One More Reason Why We All Know This Statement To Be True

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Yesterday, the World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) released a report by Dr. Richard McLaren who investigated claims made by Grigory Rodchenkov, the former head of Russia’s National Anti-Doping Laboratory, that he doped many athletes at the Sochi games in 2014. Rodchenkov allegedly said that this was part of an elaborate scheme by the Russian government to use their host status to avoid drug testing during the games.

Now, the International Olympic Committee is deciding if they should ban all Russian athletes planning to participate in the Rio olympics this summer. The IOC is already banning the Russian sports minister who said there were “no state doping schemes in Russia”.

Jeezus Russia. Cheating and then blatantly lying about it. Every Russian source you hear makes it sound like the world is framing them. No, we just know that it’s a little too convenient that you won the medal count when you hosted the whole event.

Then Putin comes out and says that this was a political decision that was driven by the United States. But then he said Russia would ban those in the report and then complete their own investigation. Of-fucking-course. He knows that McLaren’s report only scratched the surface, so he’ll cut his losses and then do his own “investigation” (probably cutting out the tongue of the guy that squealed). Putin is the classic villain you can’t exactly root for, but you respect his balls. This is just what he does. Throwback to when he strolled into a Russian youth camp and tried to bend a frying pan in half after scaling a rock-climbing wall in khakis to show that he was still fit to be the Prime Minister in 2012. It doesn’t even matter if he bent the pan, the guy looks like a boss for trying. Power moves only.

Polls Or No Poles, Does Trump Represent America?

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Trump is suing one of his former campaign aides for $10mil for allegedly breaching a confidentiality agreement.

“Sam Nunberg, who was fired late last summer from the campaign after racially charged Facebook posts of his surfaced, is the former aide being sued.” – MJ Lee and Jeremy Diamon of CNN (full article here)

Wait let’s forget the lawsuit. This guy was fired last year for racially charged Facebook posts? Good tactic. Fire the racist guy to avoid looking racist. Even better tactic suing this guy in the middle of a presidential campaign. It shows that Trump really wasn’t bluffing about taking people to court.

Apparently the suit is over Nunberg blabbing about an affair between Trump’s former campaign manager Corey Lewandowski (fired in April) and his current campaign manager Hope Hicks.

After seeing this, I couldn’t help but ask, does Trump truly embody everything that is American?

  • Lawsuits – yep
  • Divorce/affairs – yep (his divorce an affair in his campaign)
  • Second Wives – yep
  • Flaunting money – yep
  • Making that money in finance or real estate in NYC – too easy
  • Having debt – yep and possibly the most American thing on this list
  • Reality TV – “you’re fired”
  • And the sad truth from America’s past and present (all over the news right now), Racism – unfortunately I think we would all agree

Now I’m now saying that any of these things are positive in any way, shape or form, and I do not condone the above practices in any way (covering my ass), but they are undeniably a huge part of America’s history and identity. Just saying, the guy checks all those boxes, so I’ll let you answer the question.

Theresa May Becomes UK Prime Minister And Makes Us All Realize We Don’t Understand How England’s Political System Works

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On Monday, the UK’s Energy Minister Andrea Leadsom pulled out of the race to become the UK’s next Prime Minister after insinuating that Theresa May wouldn’t be a good Prime Minister because she doesn’t have kids. I guess she felt bad about the low blow.

The position was up for grabs after current PM David Cameron announced that he would step down following the country’s decision to throw deuces to the EU. This left Theresa May as the only other candidate in the running for Cameron’s sloppy seconds. Why so sloppy? The UK has been a mess following Brexit. The only good news they have gotten was Andy Murray winning the Men’s Singles at Wimbledon on Sunday. Even that’s a little bittersweet considering he’s Scottish and his country didn’t vote in favor of leaving the EU and may try to split from the UK again as a result.

All this is rather historic because Theresa May will become the first female PM since Margaret Thatcher, who was the first woman Prime Minister in UK history and the longest serving PM in the 20th century. A lot to live up to for Theresa May, especially when she won the job virtually uncontested in less than a month.

What was so special about Monday? When it became clear that Theresa May would be the next PM, David Cameron announced that he would hand over all responsibility on Wednesday, when he had originally said he would resign in October. So this guy can’t get away from the position fast enough. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s spotted playing golf at St. Andrews on Thursday morning, considering he would’ve voted with the Scots to stay in the EU. Watch this video of the announcement and see how unemotional the guy is because he is obviously happy to be off the hook of cleaning up the UK’s coming shit-storm.

“She’s more than able to provide the leadership that our country is going to need in the years ahead”. AKA “I’m getting the fuck out of here so she can clean up the peaces of a broken nation”.

After his announcement, we heard from the Theresa May herself. Watch this video. I can’t get over those mindless drones in the background giving the saddest cheer after everything she says. So British it hurts. I know most of them are highly educated, and are suffering from the migraine that comes with the post-Brexit hangover, but I feel like Americans would be showing at least a little bit of hype. You wouldn’t try to prove me wrong if I told you that George Washington yelled “fuck yeah!” as he slapped Martha’s ass when he found out that we won the Revolutionary War.

And Cameron immediately saying he’s out in two days? I respect the move. Talk up the next Prime Minister to make it seem like she is the best person for the job, then get out while you can and preserve the legacy. Let’s not forget that both of them didn’t want to leave the EU, so realistically she isn’t any better suited to negotiate the break-up.

I’m left with a few questions: How is this allowed? And how were there only two people running (if you can call it a real race) for Prime Minister of the country with the 5th biggest economy in the world? And the people didn’t even vote? I guess I don’t know anything about UK politics, but after a quick Google search I found that the PM is the leader of the party that controls Parliament, so when Cameron stepped down, May became de facto leader. That still doesn’t explain why Andrea Leadsom was even in contention, but I’ll leave that Google search to you. Finally, if she steps down as Home Secretary (whatever that is – apparently British for Secretary of State), who takes her place with two days’ notice? And who takes that person’s place? I bought stock in Barclay’s after Brexit, thinking the price would rebound. As much as I’m rooting for that, I’m a little uneasy after yesterday’s events to say the least.